Broken

want-to-be-thinner:

Reblog this if you’re someone who struggles with an eating disorder, I want to follow all of you.　

(Source: r-e-f-u-s-a-l, via ammarainsanity)

I took four laxatives and completely drained my energy. What the hell is wrong with me? I lue and hide things and cut, think of suicide, starve, and abuse laxatives. I’m a mess. I feel as though nothing will help. I promised myself I wouldn’t talk to him anymore, wouldn’t answer his texts or calls, but I have failed myself. I love him so much and yet I dont see how I can. How fod he date someone when I needed him there? how could he kiss her when I was in treatment thinking of him? How could he have not thought it would hurt me? How can he not know that ivsicken myself and wish he would just date someone so he can break whatever is left and I can let go and give up? How can he not know that I still need him and that it would crush me to see him with another girl? How does he not get it? I’m so fucking lost, Im not sure if I want zo be found. Perhaps this will cause a relapse and I’ll die, that would stop everyone’s agony, perhaps…

I fail at trying to recover, honestly I dot get the point of them sending me back when we all know it won’t help any. Ya sure I’m trying to recover, but I feel as though I can’t do this. I was discharges for 3 weeks, now I’m back again due to: restricting, purging, overdosing on laxatives, over exercising, cutting, suicidal actions, and anxiety. Fun right? Fuck this

Yes, that’s right, I said treatment two. I was released for three weeks and voila, I’m back in treatment… Again. I hate this, it’s so stupid. I just want to be left alone so I can go back to my secretive ways and not have anyone give a fuck what i’m doing. This sucks.

Saturday was okay, it was my birthday but only daron came over, guess other people don’t care enough. Really, it just felt like another damn day. Of course people wouldn’t show up, I should’ve known. I listened to mayday parade all day and watched rain fall from the sky, I felt so alone and out of touch. I stuck to my mealplan, as of course weekends are tests fir me since I’m still in partial treatment. Easter Sunday was dreadful. We went to church which wasn’t so bad, but after that we had a family get together. I had to eat before anyone got there in order to stay on treatment schedule and my mealplan. When people began arriving they commented on how well I looked and how good my meal looked, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I hate it when people comment on what I eat, i don’t even want to e in treatment and they all say I’m so brave for coming clean, if having my mom catch me purge is brave then I don’t want to know what hiding the truth would be called. The best part of Sunday was taking a drive with my cousin, he’s so great to talk to, his words make me think of mayday parade songs, his words are understanding, unjudgmental, soothing, and wise. He’s one of my favorite cousins.

Tomorrow is my birthday, I should be happy about that right? I’m not. Funny thing is, I’m in ttreatment and I haven’t gotten my period back and yet should be freaked out about it, but I’m not. It gives me assurance that I’m still doing this right. My birthday is going to suck, no one is coming over for a party, I guess that’s a good thing though, I don’t need questions. We’re watching movies right now, it’s fun, or so I’d like to pretend it is. I’m miserable, not because I’m here, but because other people deserve this more than I do. I have a chance o recover and yet in pretty much pushing it away. I don’t want this to happen but I can’t control my mind… I need help bur I’m not able to ask for it…

Who have ever felt broken. Who have ever needed someone to talk to. Who have been beaten down and called worthless, ugly, stupid, whore, fat, slut, and any other harsh and cruel word out there. This goes out to those who self harm, purge, binge, starve just to cope with problems. To those who feel lost, insecure, broken, depressed, suicidal, shameful, alone, dead and yet alive. To bisexuals, gays, lesbians, and any other group that is discriminated against (everyone). This is for you who think you’ve screwed up in too many ways to be forgiven, you deserve a second chance.

I just want to say, you are loved. By me and a ton of other people out there. Stand up and speak out. After all, you only live once, make it known and make it worth it, you deserve a chance to be you and to be here. All of you are worth it, please keep that in mind. I am always here to listen, to give advice, to talk; just leave a message in my ask box, do not hesitate. I love you all, good night.

my life back, my friends, to smile, to run, to cry, to laugh; But most of all… I want myself back.
I’ve lost so much due to the fact that I pulled away, I didnt hurt just myself but others around me. Ya, sure I’m in recovery, but I dont deserve it. I hate how even though I know people depend on me to get better, I can’t. I can’t let go, I can’t let myself get better, I can’t let myself believe I deserve it because I don’t. Dear Ana, I really fucking hope you’re satisfied now because this is going to kill me. I really hope you have fun screwing with other people’s lives because mine is done, torn apart, and it’s unfixable. I wish I could smile, wish I could forget this, wish I could walk away and say im free, but I can’t. I cant walk away And forget because I’ll always have the thoughts, the mirrors, the backstabbing words and I won’t be able to forget. No, I cannot forget. Funny, I thought I had the loaded gun, but it turns out society just had to pull the trigger…